If you have ever experienced depression, then you will know it’s not a great place to be. No matter what you do its like you are surrounded by a thick black mist that is weighing you down.
The ‘black mist’ descended numerous times during my Menopause journey, but notably in the lead up to my two breakdowns, the one in 2017 and the one in 2021. In the lead up to my breakdown in 2021 a very large ‘black mist’ had descended, and it took some shifting. It didn’t help matters at the time that I had both depression and anxiety (anxiety and the Menopause journey is a whole separate topic I will be focusing on in one of my later blogs).
Whilst writing this week’s blog I’ve been looking back at the journal I kept during my breakdown in 2021 (thankfully I had taken my own advice!). Reading back through my journal was a great reminder of how very far I have come. The following are snippets from that journal:
“My depression is like being shrouded in a cloud. Feel desensitised.”
“Deep inside I know what happiness is and feels like, but when in this state I can’t access it, it’s like it’s shut off.”
“I feel alone but not alone. Depression makes you feel very alone.”
“Feel people don’t understand, though they are trying to be kind & understanding. When this happens I feel a deep scream well up inside and I want to run and hide.”
“I’ve forgotten what happiness is to me and what it feels like. What makes me happy? At this current moment in time I honestly don’t know.”
“A bit of a ‘nothing’ feeling day. It’s like being in a void. I do things but I have no feeling when I do them. It’s very tiring.”
At that time I truly felt that the spark in me had gone out. The hardest part I found was the apathy. I had no interest in the things I loved and loved doing. It felt like my mind was cutting me off from everything, and in a way it was because it was trying to protect me and telling me I needed to take time to process everything that was going on inside me and around me. By the time of my breakdown in 2021 I’d been through huge upheaval at work, the loss of my wonderful Mum, being forced to move home, a global pandemic, as well as dealing with the monumental change that was going on inside of me. It was no wonder that my mind was bringing the shutters down, I needed to reset.
When I was signed off work with depression & anxiety at the end of September 2021, my GP referred me to NHS mind Matters (as well as prescribing anti-depressants, which I didn’t take as I knew they weren’t the answer). When I eventually got my appointment with them they did an assessment using the Patient Health Questionnaire (PHQ-9) and my score was 17, which indicated my depression was in the ‘moderately severe’ category. I was then put on a long waiting list for low intensity CBT to help with my depression. They did give me access to an online CBT portal, and I did try to stick with it for a few weeks, but I just didn’t feel it was doing me any good.
The key things that helped disperse the ‘black mist’ where my herbs, St John’s Wort, Passionflower & Lemon Balm. These herbs have an affinity with the nervous system and can provide great support when the ‘black mist’ descends. I also found the Bach Flower remedies a big help during this time. The Bach Flower remedies are great tools to help bring emotional balance and can help with not only depression, but also anxiety, mood swings, irritability and all the other emotional travel companions that can accompany us on our Menopause journey.
But the key thing that really helped me to lift the ‘black mist’ was talking therapy. During my time off work, I was fortunate enough to get access to a counsellor through my employer’s employee assistance programme. This was what I needed. My counsellor was great and when I think back I don’t think she really said much, she just listened and gave the odd prompt now and then. Those six sessions I had with her gave me the space to process everything that had been going on both inside and outside. I must admit there were quite a lot of tears shed in those first couple of sessions. By the end of the sessions I had come to terms with everything that had happened, made peace with my menopause and for the first time in a long while felt positive about the future. This is what I had needed, someone to be there and really listen, without judgment, and a space where I could process everything. Sometimes that is all we need.
It's now been 3 years since my last counselling session and the ‘black mist’ has not descended once since and I’m more enthusiastic about life than I have ever been. I’ve well and truly got my spark back!
Next time I explore ‘why do we have Menopause?’